I grew up in a period where the American Catholic church was trying to "fit in" to the culture. In most of my faith formation training, I was taught about God and Christianity, but not really about the Catholic church itself. I grew up thinking that the church was just one of many paths to heaven and there wasn't really a huge difference between what I believed and what other christian denominations believed.
When I met Rodney I was twenty. At the time I was a very lukewarm Catholic and he was a Methodist by culture only. He was recently separated from a women he had been married to for just a couple of years. I was young, and predominately lead by my emotions, so I didn't let it bother me that he was still technically married. I justified it by telling myself "well, she left him, so it's not like I am standing in the way of them reuniting". After dating only a few short months we were already talking about marriage, so, we were thrilled when his wife contacted him to inform him that she was wanting to marry another man so they needed to rush their divorce. Once their marriage was over, we were itching to start ours. I briefly thought about talking to a priest, but was turned off by the fact that I would have to get married in a church. *I* wanted to get married on the beach! Then there was the whole marriage preparation, who has time for that, we want to be married, like, YESTERDAY! I look back and cringe on how little I really understood about the Sacrament of Marriage. So, instead of contacting a priest, I contacted a non-denominational preacher that advertised beach weddings on his website. I justified it by telling myself, it didn't matter who married us as long as we meant the vows we took. Roughly two weeks later we drove to the beach and got hitched. It was a cute little ceremony, we were both very content with it.
As I began to mature, and we started our family, we started attending Mass more regularly. I also, started feeling a little guilty about being married outside the church, but still didn't really understand the big deal. I did feel enough guilt that I felt the need to confess it. The priest didn't act like it was a huge deal, he basically told me to start the process of having Rodney's marriage annulled to his ex, and then to have ours blessed by the church. He absolved me of my sin and I was on my merry way. A few days later I did see a priest and start the process of having Rodney's marriage annulled. We didn't make it very far in the process before we let it fall to the wayside.
It wasn't until a few years later that it was brought back to the forefront of my mind. We had moved away from the parish we had been attending and started attending the church that I was raised in. It had been quite some time since I went to confession (I was still very lukewarm at this point, although I seen myself a good Catholic), so I figured it was time. I went in to the confessional and began spewing out all my sins. When started to confess that I was living in sin with husband since we were not married in the eyes of the church, the priest stopped me. He told me that he could not hear the rest of my confession. I was taken a back. I tried to explain to him that we were legally married, but just not in the church. He then explained to me, that Rodney was still married to his ex in the eyes of God. Basically all we had was a legal arrangement, not a true marriage.
I left the confessional not absolved of my sins. I was hurt, and devastated. When I look back now, I realize that it was my pride that was really hurt. Who was *he* to tell me that my marriage wasn't valid?? If the church was not willing to except my marriage, then I was willing to accept the church!! Over the next few weeks, I did a lot of research, desperate to find a loophole and prove that priest wrong. Instead, the more I learned, the more I realized I was the one in the wrong. It finally became very clear to me, that my husband was indeed still married to his first wife and that our "marriage" was no more really than a civil union.
The next couple of years were filled with ups and downs. The annulment process if very thorough. Before we started the process, I assumed that because Rodney's wife left him, he would automatically get an annulment. At the time I thought an annulment was synonymous with divorce. I found out that an annulment is much different. An annulment is granted when you can prove that the marriage was never valid to began with. So even if your spouse is unfaithful, and leaves you, if you entered into the marriage with full consent and knowledge about what the sacrament of marriage truly is, than no judge or jury has the power to dissolve that marriage.
When we finally received the annulment papers, my first response was relief, but then a strange thing happened, I started to feel fear, and doubt. Now let me start this by saying, I love my husband, he is my soul mate, and the man I plan on being with for the rest of my life. My fear came from "what ifs". What if ten years down the road he doesn't feel the same way about me? Before we began the process of getting married in the church, I had a slightly different view on marriage. I always felt that for better or worse, till death due you part, did not count if your spouse was unfaithful, or if they left you. I always thought, "well, if Rodney leaves me, I will be devastated, but I could possibly move on, and maybe one day fall in love again and get remarried." But, if I truly believed what I have learned, than no matter what happens I will always be married to Rodney. If one day he decides he doesn't love me and leaves me, even if he moves on and get remarried (by the eyes of the state), our marriage still exists, therefore I could never remarry, or even have another relationship. This reality was very scary. This meant I had to fully trust him to love me until death. The concept was not easy for me to swallow. I can be a very cynical person. We had been married for twelve years and I now found myself paralyzed by fear. I was very honest with him about my fears. He was patient with me, although, I know it hurt him some. After lots of prayers and discernment, I came to realize that I had to let go of my constant need to control everything and learn to trust him, and I mean really trust him. Before I trusted him, but there were strings attached. There was always an emergency escape door if I ever needed to use it.
We were married on March 31st 2012. It was better than I could have ever imagined. For the first time in our marriage, I truly feel Gods blessings. Even though, I do regret not getting married in the church to begin with, I wonder if at the age of twenty-one, I would have fully realized what marriage is.
Genesis 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. Mark 10:9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. Do we really take these words as literally as we should, really?? We will become "one flesh". These are very powerful words. What a gift the Catholic church has given me, thanks to the church, I look at my marriage in a whole new light. It is truly a blessing from God.
Lovely post!
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